Three weeks ago, I gave my girlfriend a diamond platinum engagement ring for her and she accepted it. We have been together since February of last year.

I've been telling her that I prefer to get married next year between Spring and Summer and she completely disagreed with me. Yesterday, she said that she would break up with me if we don't get married in October of this year. She said that she didn't want to wait for next year because she wants to have a baby ASAP. She is 35 years old and she believes waiting until next year will put her in a high risk category for her and her baby which was her excuse for demanding the marriage for October of this year. I disagreed with her, but I did not start an argument with her about it.

I was shocked by her response because if she did break up with me, I don't think she will find a man, get engaged and married in October of this year. She believes in getting married first before making a baby.

When I first met her last year, she was passive, non-aggressive and sweet.

Early this year, she has been talking about marriage and wanting an engagement ring which I finally purchased for her.

Her personality changed too as being sometimes loud, aggressive and controlling, but she is mostly a nice polite person.

Last week she told me that she will get what it takes for the marriage to happen in October and that would includes showing her dark side towards my family and me.

My family and I helped her tremendously because she only lived in Canada for a few years and I could not imagine how she could say stuff like that to us.

If its between getting married and breaking up, how will the relationship ever last? Also, this might be a better one for Reddit

yes, certainly bit strange post for this forum ;=)


Echo Russell. I am far away from being relationship specialist, but ultimatums, threats to "show dark side" etc. can not be solid foundation to build something that is supposed to last. Meatloaf "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" comes to mind. There is lots of other fish in the sea.

I agree and I've seen similar posts on reddit, but I don't have a reddit account.

I asked her what the "dark side" meant and she didn't want to tell me. I told that she was scaring me with that phrase.

She studied computer science in school, and she landed a computer related job in Vancouver. She didn't like her job that much due to the lack of job security and it lacked benefits, but the pay was very decent.

Now she has a full-time job in a casino with good benefits. Her personality took a change ever since she started working in the casino, which wasn't a surprise for me because casinos attract not so good people.

Why don't you go to marriage counselling? You don't need to actually be married to benefit from it. A 3rd party could help the two of you see eye to eye.

My girlfriend has been seeing a counsellor due to her past medical problems. However, MSP doesn't cover for it anymore, so she just stopped seeing her counsellor.

I haven't seen a counsellor since my high school days, but I do think it is a good idea to go to marriage counselling with her.

It is true that women who are older (in their 30's) are at higher risk for miscarriages, gestational diabetes and a drop in fertility but they can be minimized with a healthy lifestyle. Also, since she is 35 yrs old, she is already in that high risk category. The real question is, would you be able to tolerate her changed behavior?

While I do agree with everything you said, I don't think there will be a huge difference if we get married in 2018 or 2019 since she will probably be 36 when the baby is born if I do get her pregnant after marriage. She doesn't exercise like running and going to the gym and she thinks being healthy is eating organic foods. However, she has done light hiking on the trails in North and West Vancouver and walking in the park for hours with no real problems.

I work in healthcare, so I deal with difficult people on a daily basis, but her changed behaviour was definitely a shocker for me.

I think you have answered your own question. The sooner you pull the plug the better.

I've worked in healthcare for years also and had to deal with difficult people but the difference here is that you would have to live with her 24/7.

Yeah, I think so.

I spoke to her last evening in my car at her house after I picked her up at work.

She was angry at me because I told her having the wedding in October was too early.

She literally took off the engagement ring and told me to keep it and we spoke almost two hours regarding the situation.

I didn't want her to have a mental breakdown, and I didn't want to have sad feelings because she really believed I was going to say "yes" for having the marriage in October.

At the end, I agreed with her and told her that I wanted to have the wedding in October, so I gave the engagement ring back to her.

My mom and my sister have negative feelings for her. She agreed to talk to my mom this weekend at the fireworks regarding why having the wedding in October is important to her. However, I found out today that my mom will not attend the fireworks because she knew my girlfriend will want to go, so I am sure the conversation between them will not happen this weekend.

The absolute deadline to tell her the final answer will be this Sunday because she has to submit her vacation form for the entire year for her workplace — she needs to take time off work before the wedding.

I will probably tell her the breakup will just happen this evening when I pick her up from work.

I really believe she is a really special person, but her changed personality, threats towards me and my family with her marriage ultimatum has been a real turn off for my family and me.

Right. I think you have typical conflict of heart and mind; heart still cares, but mind tells you same thing as your family (mom and sis) do.
For awhile it will hurt, but time heals everything, and when it does you will meet someone you'll be able to build solid relationship/family with.


Just end it. Then go and climb a mountain and exhaust yourself physically. This is best medicine.

Oh boy. Sorry, I can't comment, but if you want to PM me, I'm happy to chat.

This is the open forum, so with the moderator's consent I am certain it is fine to post here. Although this is not something we come across, and I rarely ever visit this section of ClubTread anyways. I just happened to see this on the sidebar to the right as a recent post.

Anyhow, you have to understand that there are quality women out there that are looking for quality men. Be honest with yourself. What traits are you looking for in someone? And I don't mean physical attributes. Also, what traits do you have that attract women? Focus on the important, life long priorities in your life and have someone who is aligned with that.

Forget about the career, forget about the past, this is all about your future. Can you handle a future with someone like this, that you would be willing to forego any other woman out there that can certainly respect you much more?

To answer your question, I would say that based on everything you mentioned I would definitely moved on. If she can remove the engagement ring with ease then she can walk out of your life with ease. The engagement ring, the proposal, the marriage and everything else is a sacred vow of commitment to each other. Let her be someone else's problem, and find happiness in someone who will compliment your life.

I was trapped in a horrible relationship for 7 years because I felt that I had to "take care" and "cater" to someone in order to be loved. I felt that being a "nice guy" was the key to being happy. Setting aside my own ambitions, goals, and sanity to please someone who was disrespectful because I felt there was no one else out there for me was one of the biggest mistakes in my life.

I recommend reading the follow books:

The Rational Male - Rollo Tomassi
No More Mr. Nice Guy - Robert Glove

In the meanwhile, get out on the mountains (without her) and release yourself from anything and anyone that impedes upon your happiness.