An open letter to the Red States from a Californian.
Dear Red States:
Given the results of the 2012 Election we in California along with the other Blue States have decided to form our own country.
The reason? Well we're more than a little ticked off at the neanderthal intellect and obstructive politics of the Red States. In case you aren't aware the Blue States now include Hawaii, Washington, Oregon, Nevada, New Mexico, Colorado, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, Michigan, Illinois, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York and the rest of the Northeast... maybe even Florida. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country, The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).
To sum up the devision, you get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states, we get stem cell research and all the best beaches.
We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren, you get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
We get the Statue of Liberty you get Nashville.
We get Apple and Microsoft, you get WorldCom.
We get Harvard, you get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs, you get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to figure out how to make the red states pay their fair share.
We get an aggregate divorce rate 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, you get all the Toddler & Tiara moms.
The Blue States also have 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce production, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all of the living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
Red States will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all mosquitoes, nearly 80% of the tornadoes, 70% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of the televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
I almost forgot, we get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Red States will still have a population where 38% believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% of whom believe life is sacred unless they're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% that believe evolution is only a theory, 53% who are certain Saddam Hussain was involved in 9/11 and 61% who believe they possess higher morals than lefties. The icing on the cake however - you get to keep Donald Trump and a third of the population who still believe Barack Obama is Muslim and wasn't born in America.
PS. We'll also have all the good weed from Canada and two states that just voted to decriminalize pot possession.
You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
A Citizen of the Enlightened States of America